Vincent Donaldson, 14, an African Grey parrot from Rotherham, has spoken out today about his disappointment with life. Years of being expected to scream obscenities at visitors to his family home have left him feeling anxious and undervalued, he claims. He places the blame firmly on middle-class owners, Tom and Lydia Fox.
He said, “Back when I was an egg, all I dreamed about was a loving home where I’d be cherished. I hoped I’d be brought up in an environment where my hobbies, which include romantic poetry, needlepoint and scrap-booking, would be encouraged. Sadly though, since Tom and Lydia purchased me from Pets at Home when they were off their faces one night, all they’ve wanted me to do is swear and talk shit.”
“To be honest, the only time I feel appreciated is when I call Lydia’s mother a ‘dirty bitch’ or shout ‘pissflaps’ at anyone delivering a parcel. It’s just not me. I’m not just a ‘pretty boy’ either, despite their friends’ continual insinuations. I yearn to share candlelit dinners with a significant other on the banks of a meandering river, and I’d like the opportunity to travel.”
Tom Fox, 36, told us, “It’s true we had high hopes for Vincent. We thought a potty-mouthed bird, caged in our dimly-lit dining room, thousands of miles away from his native equatorial home would be fun. It seemed a great idea when we were pissed up – a sort of ironic statement to kitsch, working-class stereotypes. It hasn’t worked out though. Perhaps we can put him on Gumtree?”
Pets at Home spokesman, Neil Pearson, confirmed, “The popularity of misbehaving pets is soaring amongst middle-class wankers. Swearing birds, dogs that mate with human legs and glaringly anti-social guinea-pigs are all the rage. Just last week, it got out that we had a masturbating hamster in our Milton Keynes store. Things went crazy. We ended up with fourteen couples trying to outbid each other at the tills. Aresholes.”