In a recent survey, 94% of UK dentists admitted they simply aren’t interested in what dental hygiene products you use. This shock news comes despite an increasing number of smug, orange-faced dentists endorsing various dental products on television.

Paul Williams, 43, who has a busy dental practice in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, said, “It’s completely laughable the public would imagine that dentists want them to look after their teeth. Basically, I get paid for NHS clients based on points. The more teeth I fill or remove, the more points I get and the more money I can leach from the system. I also get to charge my private clients whatever the fuck I want. With a second home in Surrey, top-spec Range Rover and growing collection of vintage Bordeaux wine to maintain, why would I want clients who brush and floss regularly?”

As far as I’m concerned, eat all the sugary shit you want – rotten teeth and diseased gums keep my children in private schools.”

Williams, whose wife has recently opened the ‘Sweets and Candyfloss Emporium’ just next door to his practice, continued, “I chose the location for my surgery very carefully. On this run-down council estate, parents use lollipops and soft drinks to keep their brats quiet from an early age. Also, everyone’s on benefits and gets free NHS treatment, so they couldn’t give a toss how many of their kids’ teeth I remove.”

Local mother of 6, Carol White, 32, said, “No one in my family has any teeth and it’s all thanks to Mr Williams. He truly is a God-send. He’s ripped out all my kids’ teeth pretty much as soon as they got them. After all, he says, they’re only going to cause problems in later life. I see it as a win-win situation, and I’m happy that the Williams family is obviously thriving on proceeds from my toothless brood.”

After further investigation into the results of the survey, it was found that the 6% of dentists who claimed any interest at all in their clients’ teeth were probably lying.